This is only in jest. Repeat, this is only in jest.

The following humor article appeared originally in the April 17 issue of the Wareham Courier. Tuesdays. I had an English teacher back in high school who used to tell us that it wouldn’t be Tuesday without vocabulary. He would then proceed to toss a load of words at us, coupled with bad puns that I suppose were meant to teach us the actual definitions of words by process of elimination. Not that we didn’t appreciate someone breaking the normal rules and maxims of instruction once in a while. Let’s take “infidel,” for example. Where one might normally simply state that an infidel is someone who doesn’t accept a particular belief, we would get the following sentence: After the Cuban president-for-life finished his Happy Meal, the burger was infidel. As a person who enjoys a terrible pun now and then, I looked forward to Tuesdays and promptly turning around come quiz time with terrible puns of my own. Naturally Tuesdays have become the night that just wouldn’t be right without a meeting of the Board of Selectmen. So naturally I ditched out last Tuesday to babysit my niece at an undisclosed location in Wareham, where I could safely wrangle a small child and watch the meeting. As amusing as it would have been to watch her slowly get bored of a world that doesn’t revolve around her, I think that it was a good decision. In that vein, I have several excellent suggestions for adding some spice to board meetings (of all stripes) that don’t require a playpen. · Citizens may only participate through the recitation of limericks. · Boards should start out at double their numbers and have to compete in Survivor style contests until they’re winnowed to their current level. · Board meetings should have a musical guest at the end of the show. The musical act will get a plug for their latest album, but won’t get to hang out on the couch with the stars. · Board members should have to buzz in when they want to speak, causing their podium to light up. In fact, boards should just meet at the Jeopardy stage. · Where possible, boards should be replaced by the A*Team. I’m sure none of those guys are doing anything right now. · Coffee. In all seriousness, I can’t run out to Dunkin’ Donuts while nefarious schemes are hatching, so we need someone slinging java right there. · Speaking of nefarious schemes, no more bush-league stuff. I want to see some combination of giant drills, lasers, damsels in distress, robots and nuclear weapons being unveiled as the proceeds of the sewer administrative fee. Frankly, at least the South Shore needs to be held for ransom for things to be newsworthy. · All extraneous business should be conducted in a lightning round. Need to approve meeting minutes? Lightning round. Need to set the next meeting date? Lightning round. · Fabulous prizes. · After the meeting everyone gets an ice cream sundae as a thanks for participating in democracy. All right, that’s all the sassiness I can muster for the Courier this week.